The European Union in the World: Sketches from the Future

, by Daniel Fiott

The European Union in the World: Sketches from the Future

‘I promised change and that’s what we’ve got. Hope and change…’ bellowed President Obama. No-one could doubt this. The complete withdrawal of US troops from Iraq in the space of just fourteen months had been a major political coup for the ‘Peoples President’. ‘…America has broken free from the calamities of the past. From now on we’ll leave it to others to make such mistakes… the rest of the world will now have to shoulder more responsibility…’.

‘…let’s turn now to our European correspondent… Ur… What’s the mood like in Brussels Dominic?’

‘…thousands of people have surrounded the Royal Palace… the noise is intoxicating… you can no doubt hear the chants of ‘onafhankelijkheid’ Ewan…’


‘Independence Ewan, Independence’.

The Iranian nuclear bomb is finally born after a gestation period marked by great solipsism on the part of the international community. EU leaders make immediate moves to place further targeted sanctions on Iranian companies involved with the bomb’s production (this time the official beverage supplier to Ahmadinejad gets it). Meanwhile, Hamas and Hezbollah, reveling in the defiance of their Iranian paymasters, take to the streets with flags emblazoned with the slogan ‘egon’yur’fayz’ – Farsi for ‘we’ve got it, we’ve finally got it!’

April saw the return of Vladimir Putin as the President of the Russia Federation following the mysterious disappearance of Dmitry Medvedev. ‘This declaration of war against Georgia comes in the wake of their blatant disregard for the human rights of Abkhazians and South Ossetians…’ spurted Putin. EU leaders were quick to denounce the moves but were later forced to retract their statements following the Kremlin’s decision to cut-off gas supplies to the European mainland and to recall twenty military helicopters it had loaned the EU later in the year.

The year long riots that followed the July 2009 implosion of Belgium finally came to an end this month. During this time the Commission had retired from Brussels and, as a condition written into the ‘Cork Compromise’ – signed between the EU and Ireland before any new Treaty negotiations could begin -, settled into their new offices in Dublin. Meanwhile the Council, now located in Paris, had little time to savour the delights of the ‘Belle Cite’ due to the quagmire caused by the Scottish, Basque and Corsican declarations of independence.

London-based consultancy ‘Princy & McAbe’ are officially named as the winners of the EU tender to create a replacement name for the Lisbon Treaty. A number of titles had floated to the surface of public discourse over the last few months. 3rd place ‘Treaty of Nöchantz’ and 5th place ‘Letzdichit Treaty’ had looked like favourites for a long time; however, as one representative from the winner put it: ‘the ‘Nice II (b) European Treaty’ frankly sounds nicer… it will certainly appeal to voters in the upcoming European-wide Treaty referendum…’.

‘…Jonathan what is happening on the ground?’

‘Well, Ewan I am currently reporting from the Ruwa Refugee Camp which is about 20kms outside of Harare… 15,000 refugees are currently being housed here by the UN… There is no confirmation yet of an EU involvement but leaders, meeting at the Addis Ababa Summit on Tuesday, will discuss whether troops currently being used for the war in Sudan are available for action…what is clear, however Ewan, is that African Union troops have finally managed to neutralize Harare…’

‘What about the United States’ role in all of this Jonathan?’

‘…we will remain the torch of liberty for all peoples in the world. We are, however, not the only torch…’

‘…President Obama, John Jones here from NCBABCDE News, what if partners such as the EU are not ready to shoulder this responsibility? Uhm… I mean they’ve got a lot of domestic issues to sort-out…’

‘Well John, every country’s got their own domestic problems, the US included… I’ll end with a quote here by Abraham Lincoln: “you cannot escape the responsibilities of tomorrow by evading them today”…’

Image: source

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